sunburned heart

i am still trying to wrap my mind around papa being gone. it is hard to sit still. when i am still i think about him and then i feel like i swallowed a melon and i gulp and gulp. i am so sad. today's agenda was to keep my mind and body busy, so i demolished the brick flower bed in front of our house. have you seen it? you know which one i am talking about? it was ugly and bare. i would give it the stink eye when i went past. today i took a sledge hammer to it. i hammered until i woke miss mack up from her nap and she was mad at me. i stopped for awhile. i went to home depot and bought out their gardening department and planted flowers for the rest of the day. my face is sunburned. my body is sore. and that is just how my heart feels too, sunburned and sore. 

if you would have past by in your car you would have done a double take at this crazed gardener/demolition woman. i was so serious, so into it. until i would look down at my ladybug gardening boots and a little smile would peak out. when you feel the corners of your mouth turn up after being serious for so many weeks it feels okay, like maybe next time you will smile with all of your face, and maybe then after that your heart can smile too.