The Thing Is...

the thing is i am not ready to say good bye. it looks as if i may not have a choice, and with that knowledge comes the weight of unspoken truths. i am grateful that the words i love you are not one of them. 


dear papa,
  thank you for making me feel special. i always thought that you and i had a bond that was unique unto us. i loved that you called me jessi-cat until i was twenty-five and that you still give me "love" pinches, thumps, and pats. it makes me giggle when you make me repeat, "i love you pop" two or three times until you say in your gruff voice, "i love you too" instead of the usual "okay, good" or "yeah" before i get off the phone.
 when my dad decided that he didn't want a relationship with me or my husband, it made me smile through the hurt when you said he couldn't come over to your house ever again. i don't think he had come over to your house since 1985 anyway, but still. thank you for walking me down the aisle at my wedding, i cherish that memory.
 you amazed me when grandma was so sick. each day would find you making your way to the nursing home to feed her lunch, even though her dazed eyes and drooping head were no longer truly her.


 i named my daughter after you. i named her mackenzie because you have touched my life. you have changed its course. you encouraged my relationship with jesus, sending me to camp and sharing in my joy when i gave my life to him. you have supported my every endeavor, without that encouragement and support i know my life would look so very different. 


the thing is i don't have anyone else quite like you in my life and i am not ready to say goodbye. i love you papa mack.